I had an epiphany from driving to work this morning. I always say it is synchronicity at work to allow me a glimpse of Life.
As usual, I turned on the radio to FM Classics. Today we had a primary school orchestra playing live music for the listeners. The orchestra played the theme song of the movie "ET" which always touched my heart. I looked up to the clear sky and almost gasped. The blue was so bright that I felt like it was the first blue I’ve ever seen. A realization came to me - I’ve been so engrossed in writings that I forgot about Life.
My ears picked up another piece of music from the radio programme. It was a song sung in an Asian language. I believed it was of Vietnam origin. The melody flowed like chanting. My car stopped at a red light and I looked out of the window. Last night’s heavy rain had left glistening water sitting in the cracks of the blue stone slaps alongside the road. The sun had turned the water into golden color and they shivered with every coming car. A voice welled up in my mind, it said: you do your work and we’ll take care of the rest. My chest tightened. My eyes were almost blurred with tears.
For more than a week now, I had violent dreams. When I say violent, I didn’t mean it in the physical sense. I’m referring to the intense emotions I had after I woke up. I never remember the exact dreams, but I always feel anxious, frustrated and exhausted. Something was crawling out.
Since I’ve started STOS this year, the only tactic I used to control my fear is to avoid it and suppress it. Because I knew if I allow it to come up, even only for just a second, it would immobilised me for long. I worked out a writing schedule to pace my writing steps. And when I lax behind, my guilty conscience screamed madness in my ears. Though I told myself it was O.K. not to take The Leap this year, deep down, I resented the situation and felt miserable. All in all, I avoided all these feelings and soldier on with my writings.
This morning’s realization was born out of my avoidance to face up all my negative emotions. However, it also brought me back to a forgotten lesson I learn from Life.
"Since the day I was born, Life has provided me with everything that I needed to be who I am. All I need to do is to TRUST it and keep walking."
Writing down this does not mean that all problems are solved. I will continue to experience fear, frustration, anxiety, guilt and millions other emotions for being a person. I’m telling myself to trust Life and surrender to the fear it brings. Do not fight it any more. Let it overwhelm you. Let it bruise you. Let it tear you into pieces.
I do my work and Life will take care of the rest.